Why meaning and happiness aren't the same, and why you should care what others think
Life isn't as simple as living your own truth.
What to expect in this week’s newsletter:
Doing things that make you happy, and doing things that give you purpose, are often not the same
Why you should listen to other’s opinions of you
Over the past decade, a number of different pieces of research have emerged which seem to indicate that having children, on average, makes people less happy1.
Initially, this seems to go against accepted wisdom. We often hear how children are a gift, bundles of joy, and can’t be lived without. Society in some ways perhaps pressures many to feel that this is how they should feel.
Disclaimer: I don’t have children of my own. So, while this isn’t a view on parenthood, make of that what you might.
But the research seems to indicate that the huge financial pressures they bring, the added stresses of lack of sleep, lack of time for parent’s own selves, and their partner, their work, their hobbies, their own friends etc. all take significant hits while raising children. For many, these are the very things that made their lives pleasurable previously, but are suddenly hugely restricted because of the practical constraints of parenthood. We literally do less of the things that make us happy, to do a lot of other things for other beings.
That is, of course, not to say that children don’t offer moments of undeniable and incomparable happiness. But more that these moments can quickly fade away once the realities of preparing dinner, putting another load of washing on, and packing the right kit for the next day’s plethora of activities come round again. Just like they did the day before, and will do so tomorrow. Repeat, until parents find themselves in an empty nest 20 years down the line, if they’re lucky.
However, many parents also claim that their lives change once they have children. They feel a previously unknown level of meaning, and purpose. And this makes a lot of sense. Children seem to offer huge opportunities to gain perspective, something philosophers have long known is critical to establishing enduring mental fortitude2. Perspective teaches us what it means to care for something greater than ourselves, to get a sense of our own mortality, to witness the passing of time in a way that is real and meaningful. It teaches sacrifice, and delaying gratification, valuable lessons in the modern world that wants to tempt us into wanting everything now, right now, and all the time.
And that’s what I love about this research finding; that moments of happiness can decrease when you have children in the home, but meaning and purpose often rise over time.
Too many gurus and online quick-fix champions want to link happiness with purpose. They want to create a sense that if you’re doing something that’s not making you happy, then you’re not following your purpose.
But it’s not that simple.
Doing purposeful things, or following your meaning, won’t always make you happy. Few people finish a marathon grinning from ear to ear, and certainly don’t do so for the entire race. They experience peaks and troughs, dig through the pain, and emerge the other side feeling purposeful and proud. But not necessarily happy. That might come later, when they look back and hopefully laugh at the tough times. But happiness and purpose are different things. And feeling one without the other doesn’t mean you’re doing either wrong.
Purposeful motivations should be embarked upon because we have decided for ourselves that they are worth the pain and sacrifice of endurance that they will undoubtedly bring, not out of expectation that they will make us happy.
Now, to the second portion of this newsletter.
Why you should care what other people think about you:
”Getting feedback from others almost gets a bad rap these days in society. Because it’s like ‘you should only care about who you are inside and who you know yourself to be’.
We are social creatures. It absolutely matters how I come off to others. A huge part of my self-identity should be how I impact others and we should be shameless about integrating that into our understanding of self.
If I feel like I am excellent person inside, yet I am regularly wounding the people around me, that matters. That’s relevant to how I see myself.
Other people are usually great barometers for seeing things that you might not be aware of.”
Dr. Maya Shankar, Huberman Lab Podcast3
How often do you see or hear the following phrases banded about:
‘Be your authentic self’
‘All that matters is what you think of yourself’
‘You need to be true to yourself’
These phrases all have an element of truth to them. But, like everything in life, they’re not the full truth. When it comes to our sense of self, we are all made up of many different aspects:
What we think about ourselves matters. Of course, it does.
But so, too, do the opinions of others.
We are tribal creatures, made to co-exist amongst others4. We cannot exist in a world where we believe that the primary thought that must shape our identity is what we think of ourselves. We are construcuted from our thoughts, yes, but also others’, and our previous experiences, and cultures and many other factors.
Each of which adds to our understanding of who we are. Or, at least, the story we tell ourselves of how we want to see ourselves. And there’s nothing wrong with that being a story, because that’s all we have to offer. But we should take responsibility for trying to tell that story as truthfully to ourselves as we can.
Taking onboard the views of others is an important part of that truth. Is it the whole truth? No. But it is part of it.
Remaining open to the views of others, even if you disagree with them, helps us to complete our own picture.
Life is a compendium of feelings, thoughts and experiences. And that means stepping outside of our selves, in order to be better understand our self. Even when it’s not easy to do so.
Have a Grey Week,
Chris
Dr. Maya Shankar: How to shape your identity & Goals, Huberman Lab Podcast. The findings in this podcast shaped the inspiration behind this week’s newsletter.
Great read. There is a conversation to be had about whether it’s ‘ok’ to ask people when they’re having children when the facts speaks for themselves.